I was once assured I would always have safe harbor should the need arise. I never anticipated needing it but it was reassuring to have that in the background... but now I've retreated and it seems the promise is full of holes.
Really bad time all around. I feel under attack from all sides in my not safe retreat and it's triggered a resurgence of dangerous thoughts... I consciously did not make certain purchases today with the realization I may never have the opportunity to use them. There's no physical retreat when those you love, your safety net, are the attackers.
So be gentle with those you love. Words can be incredibly effective weapons. They can validate or undercut in ways physical weapons can only dream of.
As Shakespeare wrote, 'She [they] speaks poniards, and every word stabs.'
I've been rubbed raw and my psyche can only handle so much battery. I am in a dangerous place not because I am in physical danger but because my emotions are swinging like a pendulum and the people around me seem to be triggering the worst of emotional extremes. I don't know what I might do to escape.
Update: Semi-good news... a found a temporary retreat. It's not a complete solution but it will get me out of a situation which destabilizes me.
Update: Confirmation I was right... my not so safe harbor has become toxic. I've been informed the situation would be no different if former safe harbor were arranging my funeral. Good thing I have a temporary escape planned for tonight.
Update: I'm staying with friends. They are literal life savers. Now I need to put all the needed functions of modern life into place and get a new job. I don't know what will happen along the family situation. It probably won't be a permanent rift but the divided definitely widened from my side.
No comments:
Post a Comment